My Thoughts...
Today marks ONE YEAR since Gary's been gone. UNBELIEVABLE! Even more so now, I'm having a hard time with Gary being gone. It's been harder than I could ever have imagined - IT'S mentally and physically EXHAUSTING!! - and although I know I have survived this long and it is a great accomplishment to know that I CAN do it, I just want him to be home. It's like once we hit the one year mark, I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel like this deployment is never going to end and I have to accept that he won't be home in time to help me with the move preparations, taking care of the house (selling/renting/whatever), everything with Olivia's school etc, etc, etc. I think that's the hardest because after a whole year of overcoming challenge after challenge ALONE, now I have the biggest one yet - MOVING. It's even harder because I started to hope (and even feel a little relief) that I wouldn't have to do ALL of it on my own because I thought he'd be here to help prepare a little. But now, I'm just trying to keep my head above water because now there is no hope. Oh yah, and did I mention the Navy is NOT paying for his ride home from Norfolk to Maine??! Yup. Ain't that grand?! Over a year away, he comes home from war and they won't even give him a dang ride home. Whatever. It's stuff like this that makes me SO bitter. I'll be so glad when it's all over and he can be home with us.
Also it's been so difficult seeing everyone and their families together, whether it be on tv or in real life, I want Gary home to share our life. I am super happy to see that our friends have made it home safe and are with their families (Yay Jeff and Irene!) but it makes me miss him all the more. I miss having him to hold me and hug me when things are rough or just enjoy the good things in life, like our kids. :) Like seeing them grow - the new phrases Olivia comes out with (the new "Pooh-ism" - she doesn't hear me because she "has a piece of fluff in her ear") or the tantrums that Cole is starting to throw when he's angry or doesn't get his way (and you thought girls had ATTITUDES!). Or just to sit down for dinner together as a family, tuck them in bed or read them stories ... some people take even the littlest things for granted and it's the little things I miss the most. Even Olivia is asking about Daddy more and more everyday - it's like last year, the more time that passed with him gone, the harder it was for her to understand.
Really, I'm trying to keep my happy face one, but honestly it's hard. When someone asks how we are, I say we're fine, focusing on Gary's return, but inside I'm thinking, "Do you really want to know?" :) I really am grateful he'll be home soon, but this truly has been WAY too long. I guess I will have to try to keep a positive attitude because if I don't, I'll spend most of my days crying. And with all that I need to get done, what good would that do? I guess I just need to put things in perspective and adjust my attitude. I'll just keep telling myself, "a few more weeks, a few more weeks, a few more weeks ...." I also have to thank God for my family, their support and for my friend, Amy, all of who have kept me sane these last few months. And I need ask God to help me along - keep chanting Phil. 4:13. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." (NIV) All I can say is ... Gary, hurry home! :)
