more thoughts ...

It's almost midnight and I can't sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, but I hurt my back two days ago and it's keeping me awake. That and the urge to cry my eyes out right now. Gary has been gone for almost three months and it's times like these that it really hits home and you feel like you can't hold things together. I feel like my kids suffer because of my injury, whether accidental or stupidity, I feel like I'm neglecting them. I can't take care of them the way I want to and Gary isn't here to take my place. Sure, there are offers on the table for help, but I don't think that includes filling the role of mom (and dad for that matter), up in the middle of the night with waking children or changing stinky diapers. My brother helped me last night, but I feel like I'm taking advantage of him. I was feeling better and then after he left, I had to take over again and my back hurts as bad as it did before -- over-exertion I think. And Olivia asks me tonight if she can come sleep with me, but I am afraid of waking her up in the middle of the night, so I tell her no. And I put Cole to bed early because I can't chase after him when he's crawling or playing and holding on to him hurts. This had to be the worst possible time to hurt my back. And after talking to Gary at night, it makes me wish even more that he was here. And I hate wallowing in self-pity, but these are the things going through my mind. So hopefully after getting this off my chest, I can bury it amongst pictures and accounts of our fun-filled trip to sunny San Diego. And hopefully next time I post my "thoughts," they can be happy ones.