...more ominous thoughts...

More bleak and ominous thoughts from me ... It's after 11:30 at night and I know I have been on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Things have been rough lately, nothing in particular, but everything in particular. While talking on the phone with Gary tonight, I said something I thought was absolutely hilarious (I get kind of giggly when I'm overly tired), laughed my rear-end off and then broke down crying ... and back to laughing, all in the same breath. That's how I know I'm going crazy! It's hard to explain my angst and frustration and despair ... it's everyday life, but when you take it on alone and face being alone for such a long period of time, it becomes quite daunting.

There's the laundry, cooking, cleaning and yard work; there's taking Olivia to/from/getting ready for school everyday (and toting Cole along with us), and doctor's appointments and getting the vehicles serviced and preparing for Kindergarten; there's managing bills and remembering birthdays and anniversaries and special occasions, and arranging to fix the house or the fridge or the dryer or the latest?...the chandelier over the kitchen table; there's discussing the possibility of selling Gary's mustang and grocery shopping and back-to-school shopping and chasing after and entertaining Cole day in and day out ... need I say more? I love them to death, but it's exhausting.

I've been trying to fit in eating better (convenience foods can be so bad) and exercising (I have to convince myself just to do it, God forbid I tell myself to find time for it) and I feel like the things I need to do for me, to make me feel better about me and feel better so I can keep up with the kids, I can't find the time to do. Everything is a challenge. Life doesn't stop when you want to stop, nor does it take a break. I'm so tired and I have a constant headache and I feel like I could just curl up and cover up and hibernate until next summer when Gary comes home.

And I hate venting about this, I hate feeling this way. I try to convince myself to be strong, but it's when I admit to myself that I am overwhelmed, it makes me more vulnerable and sensitive and exposed and I just want to cry. I want Gary to come home and hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me it will be okay because he always makes everything better. And I have shared my thoughts with him, as much as I don't want to make him worry, he is usually the one person that understands me. I'm so lucky to have him. I just can't think about how much more time we have left on this deployment because it seems impossible. I don't know how people get through this, I just don't know. Right now I feel like I can't do this ... but I will. I have to, I don't have a choice. That's just the way it is. And I have felt this way for a couple of weeks and I hope that tomorrow will be better. Everyday brings another tomorrow and another chance for hope. Tomorrow I hope that I'll find the strength to pull myself up and keep moving.